*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
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My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
new record!
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.