For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
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In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder