White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
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By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
*limbos under the caution tape
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter