“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
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If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?