The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
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Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Not all heroes wear capes….
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I think about this a lot
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.