“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
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You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.