I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
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Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.