Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
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I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
He wanted to make sure😂
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]