Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
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Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
You can’t outrun your problems…
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.