Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
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God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*