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If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
buying dead houseplants to save time
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!