Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
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Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I can’t deal with men any longer
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”