While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
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WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.