you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
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I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
“our sushi is very fresh”
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING