Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
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Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.