Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
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carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.