He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
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Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so