Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
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If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
me linking you to my twitter
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.