One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
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Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty