Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
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judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I triple waxed for this?
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I just love that new Pope smell.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo