*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
You Might Also Like
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you