BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
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at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
These dogs look like they have good credit.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.