*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
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*offers Batman cough drops*
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.