“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
You Might Also Like
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher