SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
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It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up