What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
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Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
this is uni
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess