Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
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Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
From my Mom
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.