The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
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BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I have so many questions.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Every damn time
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
some cats are just doing for fun!
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve