Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
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her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.