[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
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If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I’m listening
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
My wedding will be open casket.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
What if all the cashiers are married?