This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
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before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.