Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
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me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
my one true gender
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes