My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
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My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.