Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
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ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
How did we not see this back then?
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
#parenting
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.