[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
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me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.