*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
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I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy