WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
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i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
“i miss shittin on people”
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke