My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
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me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Don’t forget to tip your server
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Tough love is true love
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.