A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
You Might Also Like
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.