She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
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Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
The struggle is real
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx