Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
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Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.