I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
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It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.