Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
You Might Also Like
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”