My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
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There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
that’s really how it is
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
meanwhile over on facebook
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.