Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
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The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Spring of Deception
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
you gotta be faster
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot