[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
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It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
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if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
5 ways to appear taller
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The news in a nutshell.
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Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
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bad
worse
worst
worchester
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.