AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
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[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else