Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
You Might Also Like
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.