*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
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You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?