Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
You Might Also Like
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
fair
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣